Self loathing =PRIDE? What?

I am going through a bible study right now on the book of Job. I've learned so much, but a couple of weeks ago I got a kick in the gut. We were talking about pride. Sure I knew what pride was. It's when you boast about yourself to make yourself look better. You make you the center of every conversation, you talk about your good qualities, you build yourself up, and make yourself seem great. Right? Yes, that's it. So, no I don't have pride. 

Well, here comes the kicker. I also found out that self loathing is a form of pride! What? No way! Yes, the person who despises herself, puts herself down all the time, compares herself to others,worries about what others thinks of her, feels worthless and lives in fear of rejection is prideful. It's pride because it puts me in the center stage. It puts the incompetence at center stage. Ok, now I know that was tough for some as it was for me. I needed air, so you might need air too. Take a deep breath! 

Over the last few weeks, I've been struggling hard with this. From the time I was little I've heard words like "your ugly", "your worthless", " no one will ever love you", "your such a failure", "you'll never be accepted", and "no one cares about you". Those words echoed in my head during every stage of my life. I'm 45 now and I'm ashamed to say that even to this day those words echo in my head. I've never been able to lay those words down. They have controlled my every waking moment of my life. Whenever I would fail at something, these words would go through my head. Whenever someone called me out, these words would go through my head. Whenever I had a disagreement with someone, these words would go through my head. 

As I'm going through this Job study, I'm wondering, like Job, why is this happening to me. I suffer from depression often and I wonder why God has not healed me from it. I suffer from chronic pain and I wonder why God has not healed me from it. I suffer from loneliness and I wonder why God has not healed me from it. My questions were like Job's questions. Why,God? Am I not faithful enough? Do I not love you enough? Is there something I need to learn from this suffering? What can I do to make this go away? 

Well, this week I got my answer. We read where God used a friend of Job's to speak truth in his life before God came and laid it all out for Job. Job's friend Elihu told Job that his pride was keeping him from seeing how great and wonderful God really was. He said to him how dare he think that God is in the wrong and Job is in the right. How dare he think that God owes him something? God's ways are so much higher than our ways. We've made God out to be some human God, when in reality God is so much greater than we can even imagine. We are mere specks of dusk on a lens and yet he cares enough to speak to us. 

I had my own "Elihu" speak to me this week during my depression and self loathing pride. My husband allowed God to show him how to help me. Bless his soul, he's dealt with this with me for over 30 years. Why he's stayed is a true miracle to me and a blessing from God. God told my husband to have me spend just 7 minutes a day in positive thinking. My first thoughts were, "no way I can do that without a negative thought crossing my mind." So he told me to write down some truths God says about me. So, I did. I spent the first day pulling from scripture words that God uses to describe how he feels about me. Now I use this to meditate on it for at least 7 minutes a day first thing in the morning. Then I take the time to pray it back to God. 

I'm going to be honest here. It's wasn't an over night miracle, but I am seeing a difference. God is changing the way I think and look at myself now. He used my husband like he used Elihu in Job's life. 

God came to Job in a tornado to speak truth to him. Well, this week he came to me not through a tornado but a still, soft voice that allowed me to finally lay down those negative words at his feet. I did that last night. I was able to forgive all those people who spoke those words to me and I was able to forgive myself for allowing those words to have control over me for so many years. This morning I confessed that it was my pride that was holding onto these negative words and allowing them to control me. I guess I've been doing it for so long that I never thought much about it anymore. It was part of who I was. Another lie I was telling myself. 

Today as I read my 7 minutes of positive truths, I spoke them out loud like an anthem. 

I am God's masterpiece!

I am loved!

I am beautiful!

I am accepted!

I am Worthy!

I am renewed!

I am forgiven!

I am his beloved!

I am precious!

I am wanted!

I have a purpose!

I can bear fruit!

I am safe!

I am not afraid!

I am trustworthy!

I am a holy and royal priest!

I am the daughter of the most High King!

This is only a portion of it, but God is showing me how to focus on his truth and let go of the lies. So, today my eyes have been opened to who God is. I had heard about his greatness, but today I can see it! He is too wonderful for me to comprehend, but he cares enough about me to hear my prayer and guide me to truth just like he did with Job! Thank you, Jesus, for your unending love and for my "Elihu"! 

In Christ's love,

~Tina Foster~