I love my kids but some days I just don't like them.

I love my kids but some days I just don't like them. I think all parents have gone through this. Those days when our kids don't conform to our way or do things that just pluck our very last nerve. Some days those teens seem so irresponsible that you think, " how are these kids going to make it out in the world?" Admit it, we all have felt this way about our kids at some point and if you haven't yet, you will. 

I love my kids so much that I have taken the responsibility on myself to MAKE my kids be the way I think they should be, to make sure they never fail, to make sure I'm there to pick them up every time they fall. What is wrong with me? Ok I know I'm not the only one. I know this because recently I've been talking to some of my friends and they too have taken on the responsibility of being the secretary to our kids. Being there so they don't fail or stumble and ruin their lives. 

As you know I have two teens. In the past, when my kids have forgotten something at home that they needed at school, I would be the first to say, "I'll bring it to you." So I rearrange my day so I can go home get whatever was forgotten and bring it to school. I'm also the one who when my child comes home and says I have to have this or that for school tomorrow, I go out of my way to get this or that. Well, today it hit me after reading my bible study from Priscilla Shirer called Breathe, that I have become slaves to my family. No fault of their own but all myself. When my kids are upset or stressed, I feel it is my responsibility to fix this. What craziness is this?

I think this stems from my childhood and not having anyone care about my feelings. It didn't matter how irresponsible I was or what stressful feelings I had, there was no one who really cared. So, when I had kids I thought I would make sure my kids always knew how much I cared and loved them. I thought that dropping everything to help them was a way to show this love to them. It got worse when I quit my job to be a stay at home mom. Then I felt like I had no excuse. So they didn't finish the laundry, I'm not doing anything today, so I'll finish it. Or they have so much homework this week, no problem I'll pick up their shoes or wash their dishes from this morning. She's stressing out about school, I must do something to help her relax. What is this craziness that goes on in my head. 

Today, it changed. I'm going to tell you that I'm chaining myself to this chair as I write this. The guilt is overwhelming. My daughter forgot some cookies that she was supposed to bring to class today because SHE forgot them. She runs late every morning and leaves the house forgetting things, like eating breakfast or bringing cookies. So, she proceeds to try to guilt me into bringing them back to school to her. I stood my ground and said no. I mean just yesterday my other daughter needed a black shirt for her extra curricular activity, so what did I do, drop everything to get her a black shirt, snacks for the trip, black pants just in case she needed those too, made her special snacks since she has allergies, etc. can you see my sickness. Today it changed. 

After talking to some other moms, I realized too that it's time my girls realize I'm not always going to be there to pick up the pieces for them. I'm not always going to be there to de-stress them. I'm not always going to be there to make sure the food is allergy free. I'm not always going to be there to rescue them from their irresponsible actions. It's their responsibility to take care of themselves.

Why as moms do we feel guilty for this. I envy my husband, who has none of my sickness for sure. He will see my girls stressing and he will go into another room and play a game on his iPad giving it not another thought. It's not that he doesn't care. It's that he can tell when it's something they need to resolve on their own or when we need to step in. He would tell me, "is it going to kill her to not have the cookies at school today?" When they stress and he doesn't know how to help, he just says so naturally that we need to pray for her. Why is that not my first thought? My first thought is to fix it. I think at times we both try to go out of our ways to make sure they get what they want if it is at all possible. But then there are times where we look at each other and say what are we doing. Granted there are times when our kids need our support, but there is a fine line between support and fixing it for them. I'm slowly learning the difference. And I do mean slowly learning this, but thankfully God is there to help me.

I don't want my kids to grow up and leave my house thinking there is always going to be a "secretary" there to fix everything or a person there who is going to de-stress them at the drop of a hat. I want responsible adults leaving this house. I want them to stop and pray about the things that are stressing them out. So as of today, I'm going on strike. Well, at least, I'm going to start weighing which things to help my kids with and which to leave up to them to figure out and to pay the consequences of, and I'm going to PRAY about all of it. 

I love when God takes a moment out of his busy day to teach me a lesson. I'm so thankful for the ladies God has surrounded around me to use as his voice. I'm thankful for those eye opening moments where God releases me from the self-guilt and shows me that it's okay to not rescue them from everything! I'm just so thankful for my God who has created rest and has told me that it's okay if my every moment is not filled with tasks for my family. It's okay to not jump in and rescue everyone. I'm not lazy or uncaring if allow my kids to figure things out on their own or to stumble sometimes. I don't have to feel guilty for this. Instead I can rest in Gods promise that he's got this in his hands. He has them in his hands. 

So now it's Time to rest! I choose to find the joy in this day!

In Christ's love,

~Tina Foster~ 

Parental Influence

"... Nothing can derail or skyrocket the faith of a teen more than the involvement of a parent."  A quote by Johnny Scott, a youth pastor, from the book "Refining the Win". As a parent of teens and a teen youth leader, this section spoke deeply to me. I love my daughters so much. As a parent you want so much more for your kids. All I ever wanted was to be a mom and not just a mom, but a good mom, a faithful mom. This quote means that we as parents are the biggest influence in our kids lives. What we say, do or don't do influences our kids. That game you took off work to go to, that time you laid around watching movies with your sick child, that silly game you played with your child all these things influence our kids. I think those times where they think we are nagging them influences them too. But those times where we forget the play, or that time we didn't take an interest in the fact that they've had a bad day, those influence them too. 

I'm a mom of two teenage girls and there are times when I wonder if I have any influence over them at all. Some days it feels like we speak and it goes in one ear and out the other. Scott says that current research shows that even though parents don't feel like they count, "they are still the largest contributing factor to the spiritual formation .." of their kids. We are on the front lines of forming our kids identity. If we keep engaged in our kids lives we have a great opportunity to influence their lives. Even though teens balk at all the questions and most of the time all we as parents get are one word answers, we have to stay engaged. It's so easy to just say okay or  whatever and move on, it does nothing to help our kids. They want us to care and be involved. They want us to at least ask the questions and be the parent who cares enough to find out the answers. 

I think this is no more important than in the spiritual influence we have in our teens lives. God told us to impress the word of God on our children, to talk to them about these commandments when sitting at home, walking along the road, when you lie down, when you get up, to tie them around your hands and bind them on your foreheads, and write them on the doorframes of your houses. (Deuteronomy 6) God has given us an appointment to speak truth in our kids lives. Our faith does influence our kids. 

We have a great opportunity to speak truth in our kids lives. This is a time to show our kids how much God means to us. 

Something God taught me last year was how negative thoughts can be like a cancer in a family. I have a natural tendency to be negative. I don't want to be but I am. Towards the middle of the year or so, God showed me that I have so much to be joyful for, not happy for, but joyful for. I never really knew there was a difference in joy and happiness. 

My daughter came to me about a week or so before we were to go on vacation. She said God had laid it on her heart to get up around 5:30am to have quiet time with him every morning. Now this is a teenager, in the summer time when she could sleep half a day, and she wanted to start this while on vacation at the beach. I thought to myself what would make her do this? She told me she'd been reading a book by Dana Gresh and this book had been showing her how to be joyful and thankful for what she had and to do that she needed to spend more quiet time with him. Not just quiet time, but time where she was devoted to thanking him for everything and for focusing on the joyful things in her life. I was blown away. I thought, " why am I not doing this?" Well God and I know I'm not a morning person like my daughter, but I have made an effort every morning first thing to spend time with God. Not just time with him, but positive time with him. I've been going through his truth and picking out all the things God is to me and has done for me. I meditate on these positive things and praise him for them. I have found joy real joy in doing this. 

Back to parents influencing kids. I started noticing how negative my family had gotten. It seemed like every word coming out of their mouths was negative.  I had started a cancer in my family. I hated the thought that my negative influence on them had brought them to this place of negative thoughts, negative emotions, complaining, and negative feelings. So, I decided it was time to spend more time focusing on the positive things and the joyful things and being thankful for what I had than on any negative things. 

I suffer from chronic pain and right now I'm going through a pinched nerve in my back. This alone can easily pull me into a massive depression. But God is doing a great work in me. He's showing me that there is still joy in the middle of my struggle. He's shown me this through a bible study on the book of Job no less, talk about some struggles, through many verses he puts in my path, through my quiet time with him, through the prayers of my friends, and, yes, through my daughter. I'm amazed at what focusing on the positive truths of God has done for me. I read just today in a Purpose Driven Life devotion written by Rick Warren that said, "satans favorite favorite tool is negative emotions." I don't want to give satan any reason to be happy. 

Around Christmas each year my family and I talk about spiritual goals we want to have for the new year coming up. We access the old spiritual goals then talk about setting new goals. Well mine last year was to be more positive and to see myself the way God sees me. So I asked my family what they saw. Did I seem to do that? Did I focus more on the positive things in my life and on God's truth about who I am or not? They all said they had seen a difference in my attitude and the way I handled things. Even my girls had changed their outlook on things. Just last night one them came home all upset about failing a test and not having a good day, but she said this to me, " at least, mom, I tried to have a good attitude about it. I didn't get upset until I got in the car. I tried to look at the positive as much as possible." Talk about influencing someone! Normally she's like me, when I'm unhappy everyone is unhappy! But today she chose to see joy in the middle of a trial or struggle. 

So, yes, parents, our kids are listening to us and watching us to see how we handle everyday life as a Christian. Are we practicing what we preach? Are we staying engaged in our kids lives? Are we asking the tough questions even when we get only one word answers, oh how I hate that? Are we taking the time to ask others about our kids? Are we talking about God's word to our kids? Are we making sure we point them back to the truth of who God says we are and not letting them waddle in the puddle of satan's lies? Are we living the Christian life? And when we fall are we repenting and asking for forgiveness, even if that means going to our kids and asking for them to forgive us? Oooh a tough one! 

Yes, we do influence our kids and other kids who are around us. Say those kids who are friends with our kids. So, what kind of influence do you want to be? Do you want them to see a person who says their a Christian and walks the walk but only on Sunday, or the Christian who walks the walk every minute of the day? Stay engaged into your kids lives. Make God a focus in the middle of this I-must-keep-busy kind of world. We put time into the things we treasure the most. Extracurricular actives, school, work, watching tv shows, whatever that is, can we put God above all those and make time for him? What an influence that would be to our kids. I know my daughter influenced me when she put aside precious teenage, in the summer at the beach sleep to spend an hour of quiet time with God. It allowed me to do the same thing and get a lot closer to the God of the universe who showed me how to "positively" influence my family. 

Just some food for thought from my experience this past year. I hope it blesses you like God blessed me. It's still something I struggle with, but I have tasted the milk and honey and I like it! 

In Christ's love,

~Tina Foster~